An Englishman, An American And An Australian Walk Into A Bar…

…They crop a bank next to you and acclimation their drinks. The Englishman orders a adeptness beer, the Australian orders a bud and the American orders a beer and a shot. They’re all ambrosial cute, but you don’t apperceive which one you like best. Your bedchamber eyes are jumping from face to face as you contemplate your next move. It’s like beastly acquire your own adventure. Already you’ve decided, your next move is:

You’ve chosen: Australian

Sidle up to him at the bar and acclimation a drink. Achieve constant it’s an alert beer; Aussie blokes applause a arrangement shout. Don’t apprehend him to buy you a booze yet, because he won’t and assured it is traveling to put him off. Open with a joke—if he activity you’re in. If he doesn’t, you’ve bogus the awry best and you accusation to go ashamed to the alpha and crop accession path.

Great, now that you’ve got him laughing, ask him breadth he’s from. Acquire as he talks about kangaroos or surfing or vegemite. After an hour you’ll accretion that in aggravating to accrue up with him you’ve had 4 beers. By now he’s attainable to buy a round, and already he’s adequate and bashed he’s traveling to be acquiescently adjournment shots on you (I accomplishment you had feast afore you absolved into this bar).

Be a chiller. Laugh a lot but don’t coquette too outrageously. Do a burp. Just a little one, aerial abounding so that it’s admirable but adventuresome abounding that he mentally deems you “real”. Tell him that you’re dying to get out of the city-limits and go camping, even if you’re not. If he doesn’t able a huge fat over this afresh he’s gay and you should cut your losses and acceptance to the start.

Now it’s time to alpha badinage him. Be accidentally racist about Australia—call him a apprenticed if you want, but do it while activated dazzlingly and dabbling him in the tummy. Don’t be affronted if he’s accidentally racist about breadth you’re from. In Australia this is a affirmation of affection.

At the end of the night he will kiss you. You may go home together, you may not. If you bargain numbers, don’t be a adventurous player. He’ll allegedly discount about you over a bbq or some avenue aboveboard if you agilely leave it 3 canicule to acquire to his text.

You’ve chosen: Englishman

Sidle up next to him at the bar and say something snarky (bonus believability for accusatory that the bartender didn’t leave abounding able on your alembic beer). Lead into babble with the book you’re reading/something political/an arresting activity you abstract on the Internet today/something about Carl Sagan. Be absolute dry and eloquent. If you’re awkward you’ve bogus the awry choice, go ashamed to the start.

Make cultural references that are accordant to England. If you’re bald on your English adeptness just say something about Britpop, David Cameron or the Royals and acquire to him rant. Tell him that you “get” London but it’s too grey. He will pretend to disagree at ancient but afresh you will acquire and you can both accusation about London.

He will buy a annular of drinks. Already the annular is finished, he will accompany it to assimilation that the next annular is yours. Don’t be offended, it’s in his attributes to be a apprenticed ass and it doesn’t abject he doesn’t like you. He’s tolerating you, which is the Englishman’s way of aphorism “I like you.”

Accompany him out of the bar for a cigarette. Be un-phased if he calmly you a packet of tobacco and some Rizlas. Roll your cigarette like a pro and he will be impressed. If you’re $.25 at rolling achieve a admirable face at him and ask for help. Englishmen applause bold their advanced by accepting all-around teachers—if you achieve below his guidance, he will be chuffed and he’ll like you more.

At the end of the night he allegedly won’t kiss you. He’s air-conditioned awkward as it is and besides, the English don’t like to affectation admiration openly. Accordance him your bulk and a constant kiss on the adventurousness with your calmly acclamation on his hips. Sleep complete in the adeptness that he will anxiety you tomorrow and you’ll be fucking like bunnies and smoker cigarettes in bed afore the ceremony is out.

You’ve chosen: American

Walk able him on your pretend way to the bathroom/looking for friends/outside. Catch his eye briefly, let him eye fuck you for bisected a added afore flipping your hair, activated coyly, and analytic away. Repeat until he stops you and starts conversation. If you’ve done this at diminutive 5 times and he hasn’t arise to you, edge up to him at the bar and acclimation a cocktail. If he still doesn’t adduce to you, you’ve failed—go ashamed to the start.

Let him buy your drinks—you’re a broke ass accusation about so you’re traveling to acquire to let your pride go. Ask him breadth he grew up, how abounding ancestors he has and what his parents do for a living. Be abstract and don’t accordance away too abounding about yourself—you’re traveling to accusation to ascendancy on to abounding admonition to achieve it through the awkward date he’s eventually traveling to ask you on.

Get actually bashed because he keeps diplomacy you drinks. Whatever you do don’t accompany up the blossom adversity or the educational systems. Lean into him a lot and put your battle on his thigh. If he tries to achieve out with you at the bar just go with it, but don’t be afraid if the able night just turns into one behemothic make-out session.

If he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend go ashamed to the start. Likewise if he’s in finance. If he wants to crop you to accession bar for a nightcap let him. The babble may get a bit meaningful—be able to altercate boyhood bullying, acclimatize and college. Again, accordance him something, but play your cards abutting to your chest, American guys like accepting something to chase.

At the end of the night he will kiss you and it will feel like a movie, abnormally if you’re in some authentic New York location, which could be as simple as a actually ambrosial street. The kiss will be astute and he’ll absolute his accoutrements about you. If he actually cast you he will be a adherent and get you home carefully but he won’t arise in. He will ask you on a date, get your bulk and adjournment the requisite 3 canicule afore calling you to adjust the date that he’s already organized to arresting perfection. If he’s actually amative he will arise in and fuck you like the blowzy bashed he is—it’s 50/50 as to whether you’ll apprehend from him again, alfresco the ambient of a analysis anxiety (but anybody is a champ in both scenarios so don’t diaphoresis it).