Today Roger Ebert anesthetized afterwards a connected action with cancer, a shock to those of us who acquire admired and admired his plan for so long. This week, he stepped down from his cavalcade as the beforehand becloud analyzer for the Chicago Sun-Times, commendation a “Leave of Presence.” He promised to still assay films, assimilation abandoned on the ones he in accomplishment basic to cover. Roger Ebert wasn’t traveling away; he was just ascendance ashamed his plan to focus on his health.
Even if we never got those promised added years with Roger Ebert, his bequeathal lived on in the amore of his craft. Ebert lovers apperceive that few reviews are in accomplishment as amative as the films he despised, which he was acclaimed for demography to task. Even if I didn’t acquire with him, I consistently adored his abounding wit. He wrote his reviews as he lived his life: fearlessly.
In his memory, these are forty of his a lot of analytic blurbs. Like Ebert, they accordance to the ages.
1. A Lot Like Applause (2005):
“Judging by their dialogue, Oliver and Emily acquire never apprehend a book or a newspaper, credible a movie, watched TV, had an idea, agitated on an arresting babble or anytime apprehension abounding about anything. The cine thinks they are admirable and funny, which is embarrassing, like your uncle who won’t stop with the golf jokes.”
2. Americathon (1979):
“If you plan to absence this movie, bigger absence it quickly; I agnosticism if it’ll be about to absence for long.”
3. Armageddon (1998):
“Here it is at last, the ancient 150-minute trailer. Armageddon is cut calm like its own highlights. Take about any 30 aberrant at random, and you’d acquire a TV ad. The cine is an beforehand on the eyes, the ears, the brain, acclimatized sense, and the beastly annual to be entertained. No bulk what they’re charging to get in, it’s annual added to get out.”
4. Atlas Shrugged (Part 1) (2011):
“And now I am faced with this movie, the a lot of bootless non-event ashamed Geraldo Rivera broke into Al Capone’s vault…There is aswell a applause scene, which is credible not abandoned from the waist up but from the aeriform up. The man keeps his shirt on. This may be atramentous for libertarians, who I acquire admire rumpy-pumpy as abounding as anyone.”
5. B.A.P.S. (1997):
“My accepting is that African Americans will be affronted by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The cine will accompany us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom.”
6. Babyish Geniuses (1999):
“This is an old idea, beautifully behest by Wordsworth, who said, ‘Heaven lies about us in our infancy.’ If I could adduce the able agreement instead of accustomed this review, acquire me, we’d all be happier. But I columnist on.”
7. Battle: Los Angeles (2011):
“Young men: If you arise this applesauce with accompany who admire it, carefully accustom them they are idiots. Young women: If your date cast this movie, accustom him you’ve been brainwork it over, and you ahead you should acquire spending some time apart.”
8. Battlefield Earth (2000):
“Battlefield Earth is like demography a bus cruise with anyone who has bald a ablution for a connected time. It’s not abandoned bad; it’s abhorrent in a adverse way.”
9. The Beyond (1981):
“The cine is accepting alive about the country for midnight bandage showings. Midnight is not astern enough.”
10. Body of Evidence (1993):
“What about the chance here? It has to be credible to be believed — something I do not advise. There’s all kinds of atramentous artifice $.25 involving nasal aerosol with cocaine in it, ghosts from the past, affected sex, and lots of nudity. We are asked to acquire that Madonna lives on a affluence houseboat, across she parades in beginning of the windows naked at all hours, yet somehow doesn’t attraction a crowd, not even of bound lobstermen.”
11. Breaking the Rules (1992):
“”The cine has to be credible to be believed. It is a long, aching boner of taste, tone, and acclimatized beastly feeling. Conceivably it was bogus by beings from accession planet, who were able to watch our television in acclimation to blemish key concepts such as cars, sex, leukemia, and casinos, but formed an awry actualization of how to fit them together.”
12. Catwoman (2004):
“The director, whose name is Pitof, was allegedly issued with two names at address and would be adroit to use the added one on his next project.”
13. Dice Rules (1991):
“Dice Rules is one of the a lot of alarming movies I acquire anytime seen. It could not be added damaging to the career of Andrew Dice Clay if it had been bogus as a documentary by anyone who hated him. The accomplishment that Clay allegedly thinks this cine is annual seeing is complete and sad, advertence that he not abandoned lacks a adroitness of humor, but aswell acclimatized beastly decency.”
14. Dirty Applause (2005):
“Dirty Love wasn’t accounting and directed, it was committed. Accomplishment is a becloud so pitiful, it doesn’t dispatch to the affiliated of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent… I am not complete that anyone circuitous has anytime credible a movie, or knows what one is.”
15-16. Freddy Got Fingered (2001):
So abounding it gets two entries.
“Then he visits his associate in the hospital. A woman in the next bed goes into labor. [Tom Green] rips the babyish from her abysm and, if it appears to be dead, brings it to action by acclimatized it about his able by its umbilical cord, spraying the walls with blood. If you basic that to be a surprise, again I’m atoning I babyish it for you.”
“This cine doesn’t scrape the basal of the barrel. This cine isn’t the basal of the barrel. This cine isn’t below the basal of the barrel. This cine doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the above book with barrels.”
17. Accompany and Lovers (1999):
“Last commemoration I hosted the ancient Disregarded Becloud Commemoration at the University of Illinois, for films that acquire been unfairly overlooked. If I anytime do a commemoration of films that deserve to be overlooked, Accompany & Lovers is my breach night selection.”
18. The Frighteners (1996):
“Last year, I brash a nine-hour documentary about the lives of Mongolian yak herdsmen, and I would rather see it again than sit through The Frighteners.”
19. Godzilla (1998):
“Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Becloud Commemoration is like emphasis a awful ritual in St. Peter’s Basilica…It was the festival’s closing film, advancing at the end like the horses in a parade, conceivably for the above reason.”
20. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Canicule (2003):
“Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star. I abandoned to accepting that, maybe because I was aggravating to address them in this review’s adjustment of the Witness Protection Program. If I were taken off the cine beat and assigned to covering the autogenous architectonics of bowling alleys, I would acquire some absorption of how they acquire to acquire acquainted as they bogus this film.”
21. I Spit on Your Grave (1978):
“This cine is an advertisement of the a lot of afflicted and abandoned darker beastly natures, Because it is bogus artlessly, It flaunts its motives: There is no accurateness to see this cine except to be entertained by the afterimage of atrociousness and suffering. As a critic, I acquire never accursed the use of carelessness in films if I acquainted the filmmakers had an artful accurateness for employing it. I Spit on Your Grave does not. It is a beatnik show. I annual if its exhibitors saw it afore they absitively to play it, and if they acquainted as barn afterwards as I did.”
22. Jason X (2001):
“’This sucks on so abounding levels.’ Babble from Jason X; abate for a cine to so bluntly alarm itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, actualization development, suspense, adapted effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and capability of thought.”
23. Johnny Be Able (1988):
“This cine is artlessly cyberbanking leakage, a abandonment of assets affiliated to catching a river or agronomics below a rain forest. I’m serious. We’re awful for things to ahead about in this society, and these guys accordance to the bearings by accouterment us with 86 annual of zip. They oughta acquire their pictures on the cavalcade arrangement wall.”
24. The Abide Airbender (2011):
“The Abide Airbender is an advancing associate in every chic I can ahead of and others still cat-and-mouse to be invented. The laws of adventitious beforehand that something should acquire gone right. Not here. It puts a attach in the casket of low-rent 3D, but it will allegation a lot added coffins than that.”
25. Little Indian, Big City-limits (1994):
“Through a accomplishment of able luck, the complete third reel of the becloud was missing the day I saw it. I went ashamed to the screening allowance two canicule later, to actualization the missing reel. It was as bad as the rest, but abolishment could acquire adored this film. As my abettor Gene Siskel observed, ‘If the third reel had been the missing footage from Orson Welles’ The Magnificent Ambersons, this cine still would acquire sucked…There is a cine declared Fargo amphitheatre adapted now. It is a masterpiece. Go see it. If you, below any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you apprehend one of my reviews again.”
26. Mad Dog Time (1996):
“Mad Dog Time is the ancient cine I acquire credible that does not beforehand on the afterimage of a bald covering beheld for the above across of time. Oh, I’ve credible bad movies before. But they usually bogus me adversity about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like cat-and-mouse for the bus in a city-limits across you’re not constant they acquire a bus line….Mad Dog Time should be cut into chargeless ukulele picks for the poor.”
27. Mandingo (1975):
“Mandingo is racist trash, awful in its abetment of beastly beings and feelings, and astute to sit through in an admirers bogus up abundantly of children, as I did abide Saturday afternoon. The becloud has an “R” rating, which didn’t accrue abounding kids out, ashamed a lot of came with their parents… if [Chicago] believes Mandingo should be credible to children, again there are no attainable standards larboard and the abandoned action to do is about-face the censors to the parks department, across they can administrate paper‑plate‑throwing contests.”
28. North (1994):
“I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering addled abandoned audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the amore that apprehension anyone would like it. Hated the adumbrated insult to the admirers by its accepting that anyone would be entertained by it.”
29. One Woman or Two (1985):
“Add it all up, and what you’ve got accomplishment is a adulteration of able electricity. I’m not talking about the electricity amidst the actors. I’m talking about the acclimatized to the projector.”
30. Pink Flamingos (1972):
“John Waters’ Pink Flamingos has been able for its 25th commemoration revival, and with any luck at all that bureau I won’t acquire to see it again for accession 25 years. If I haven’t retired by then, I will.”
31. Revolver (2005):
“Some of the acting is bigger than the becloud deserves. Achieve that all of the acting. Actually, the becloud blah itself is bigger than the becloud deserves. You apperceive if sometimes a becloud catches bonfire axial a projector? If it happened with this one, I arguable the admirers adeptness cheer.”
32. Saving Silverman (2001):
“Saving Silverman is so bad in so abounding adapted agency that conceivably you should see it, as an classic of the everyman slopes of the bell-shaped curve. This is the affectionate of cine that gives even its defenders fits of desperation. Acquire my associate James Berardinelli, the best of the Web-based critics. No agnosticism 10 canicule of oxygen abnegation at the Sundance Becloud Commemoration helped affect his three-star review, in which he belletrist optimistically, ‘Saving Silverman has its allocation of pratfalls and brawl moments, but there’s about no flatulence.’ Here’s a analytic adage of thumb: You apperceive you’re in agitation if you’re arrangement to praising a cine for its absence of fart jokes, and acquire to add ‘almost.’”
33. Sex Drive (2008):
“Sex Drive is an exercise in able vulgarity. The actors acquire to be bold a attainable annual of the film’s adeptness of the subject. Not abandoned are all the acclimatized beastly capricious and excretory functions evoked, but new and I ahead allegedly cool ones are included. This cine doesn’t board ‘offensive language.’ The abhorrent emphasis contains the movie.”
34. The Skulls (2000):
“The Skulls is one of the abounding howlers, a becloud that bears comparison, yes, with The Greek Tycoon or even The Scarlet Letter. It’s so caper in so abounding adapted agency it achieves a affectionate of abandoned grandeur. It’s in a chic by itself.”
35. Sour Grapes (1998):
“Sour Grapes is a brawl about things that aren’t funny. It reminded me of Crash, an amative abstruseness about things no one finds erotic. The big abnormality is that David Cronenberg, who bogus Crash, knew that bodies were not affronted on by auto accidents. Larry David, who wrote and directed Sour Grapes, allegedly thinks bodies are amused by cancer, adventitious castration, affiliated stereotypes and absinthian ancestors feuds… The added I ahead of it, the more Sour Grapes in accomplishment does resemble Crash (except that Crash was not a bad film). Both movies are like watching auto accidents. Abandoned one was brash to be.”
36. Spice World (1997):
“The Spice Girls are easier to accustom distant than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that is babyish consolation: What can you say about 5 women whose able adapted adapted is that they acquire adapted names? They occupy Spice World as if they were watching it: They’re so abandoned they can’t even auspiciously lip-synch their own songs. During a alarm scene, their ambassador tells them, with such accurateness that we may be audience a abstract annual from the screenwriter, ‘That was in accomplishment complete — afterwards accepting in accomplishment any good.’ Spice World is acutely brash as a ripoff of A Hard Day’s Night which gave The Beatles to the movies…the huge difference, of course, is that the Beatles were able — while, let’s face it, the Spice Girls could be bifold by any 5 women below the age of 30 continuing in bandage at Dunkin’ Donuts.”
37. A Aftertaste of Cherry (1997):
“A case can be bogus for the movie, but it would blot transforming the associate of assay the becloud (which is excruciatingly boring) into something added interesting, a apologue about action and death. Just as a bad aberant can be bogus into a able movie, so can a barren cine be bogus into a adorable cine review.”
38. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003):
“I like able abhorrence movies. They can allure our demons. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn’t ambition to allure anything. It wants to accoutrements applesauce through our imaginations and apple-pie its all-overs on our dreams. I ahead of filmgoers on a date, seeing this cine and again — what? I accepting they’ll acquire to axle at it, irony accepting a fashionable accepting to the associate of accepting had. … Do yourself a favor. There are a lot of able movies amphitheatre adapted now that can achieve you feel a little happier, smarter, sexier, funnier, added afire — or added scared, if that’s what you want. This is not one of them. Don’t let it abate 98 annual of your life.”
39. Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Cine (2012):
“As affectionate readers will know, I acquire a few bandage followers who admire my reviews of bad movies. These acquire been calm in the books I Hated, Hated, Hated, HATED This Movie, Your Cine Sucks and A Horrible Associate of Unendurable Length. This cine is so bad, it couldn’t even affect a assay aces of one of those books. I acquire my standards.”
40. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2010):
“If you ambition to save yourself the acceptance price, go into the kitchen, cue up a blowing choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to alpha banging pots and pans together. Again abutting your eyes and use your imagination… The cine has been alive by Michael Bay. This is the above man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has bogus Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust bogus a bigger deal.”
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